Oh, Bella what have you done?
by lauraninjas
Summary: After returning from Italy when she'd initially chosen Edward over Jacob, she has to be honest with her deepest wishes and let them know she wants them Both Forever. How will Bella and the 2 Alphas handle this? Not well at first, for damn sure.E.B.J.-M!
1. The Truth

BPOV

After all this time, you would think I couldn't get any redder…but here I was, standing in front of Edward as flushed and light headed as my body could possibly get. Or so I thought….

"Bella…you know I can hear that heart about to combust", he said as he cocked his head and examined my expression as if it would explain what he could not hear in my mind.

I have utterly NO idea if how the next few minutes will play out. His love for me is unconditional and unending, however, he has never been faced with what I am about to ask. I have utterly NO idea if he will not hear what I have to say and then change into the monster he has always thought himself to be… and then there can be only three outcomes. He will grant my request, he will leave me forever, or he will kill me.

My heart began to pound in my ears so loud that even I missed out on the first few words to leave my mouth, "THUMP…Thump… thump…love you so much, Edward. I…I know you said that there would never be anything I couldn't ask that you wouldn't grant me…but you have to know something about me that is so… so…"

"Bella?... anything, just ask anything and you know I will give it to you…" he trailed off before snapping his eyes back to mine, as they were now a deep, sinking black. "Are you asking me to leave!?"…came the harsh whisper.

"NO! No, Edward!" I was panting in my stuttering urgency to just sink into the forest floor, "Never!... there is just something that is completely ripping me apart… and even though I know I have to tell you…"

Deep breath, eyes closed

"I know that you will either hate me or kill me, Edward- but every second that passes is a half-lie", I confessed as I opened my eyes to face his beautiful confused face.

"I love you, Edward… and I also love Jake… and…"

"For Christ's sake- Bella, just tell me are you leaving me for that mongrel!?"

"no… Edward, I am not leaving you for Jake- but, I love you both and…I want to Love you both and not have to choose. My heart beats for him the same way it beats for you, and even after you turn me, Edward… I will love him with my dead heart just as much as I will continue to love you. I want eternity or the rest of my life… or whatever…with the two men I can't live without, whether I am a human or a Vampire."

I gulped in air as I realized that was the largest amount of words I had managed to string together all day. My ears began to buzz, and I heard the all-too familiar THUMP...THUMP...THUMP…of my heart before I could even claim the courage to meet his eyes. It was as if by admitting this… this…thing to him that I was no longer worthy of his….anything! Not his love, his respect, or even his eye contact. Had there ever been a more soulless creature than what I had become? I searched myself internally and knew that I had done all I could to eradicate both of them from my heart at one time or another. Edward, when months of depression and isolation had brought Jacob to the rescue- and Jacob when Edward returned and sought to win back my trust. But, the awful truth was that something in me was broken…and only the two of them could hold the pieces of me together. With just either one of them, I would always have a crack in me that would not be closed. As my eyes faltered at his lips, not able to rise another inch to meet his- I was thankful that he wasn't growling. This meant… the only other reasonable answer. My body slowly began to turn from his as I knew numbly that I must leave… his eyes would never glow into mine again since I had surely killed all the warmth in them. It was only when my back was to him that I blinked, releasing the hot, fat tears that had been perched on my lashes. The path back looked so eerily similar now to the one I had tried to follow last year when he left me in these same woods. As the tears dripped down my hot face, I ran… as fast as a klutz can run, at least. This time when the roots tripped me and the leaves and branches snagged at me- I didn't fall. I guess the one that does the leaving in these fucking woods always finds the easiest way out.

I ran until the thumping of my heart in my ears was covered only by the constant sound of my ragged breath heaving in and out of my wracking body. I don't know how many times I almost stumbled but was able to catch myself before hitting the fern covered floor of the forest. The wind was hitting me so hard in the face that each hot tear cooled and died before it even had the chance to fall an inch. Shaking and with the horizon bouncing crazily in front of my eyes, I could make out the shape of the Cullen's' house, with Alice standing like a beacon on the bottom step. When I saw Jasper run down the steps to her back, placing a hand on her shoulder- I just couldn't go a step farther. I halted mid-stride and felt my body shake with exhaustion as I flew through deciding what to do. I couldn't go back the way I came, but I also couldn't bear to walk any closer to the two lone figures on the steps because I knew the others were only feet away behind the glass wall. There would be questions, but Alice would know…and didn't I really also know now, as well? There was no need for me to force her to tell me; to tell all of us that the brother she loved so much was alone behind me…hating me…heartbroken by me…and that I would never see him look lovingly at me again. As we stared at each other across the expanse of the clearing at the edge of the woods, I couldn't read her expression but I hoped Jasper could feel my desperation, my love for them, my regret that I didn't have the courage to take another step- just like I had not had the courage to meet Edwards' eyes before; not even knowing if the last time he looked at me whether they would have been amber in hurt or black in hatred.

As I struggled to come to a decision and move my trembling legs, I heard it…Oh My God…I closed my eyes as I realized that everyone within the state of Washington could probably hear it, as well.

A Roar that seemed to shake the ground beneath my body.

Not at all anything I had ever heard before…a full-out Screaming Roar so Violent and Horrendous and Ear-splitting that I couldn't even hear the tortured sounds of my own heartbeat or ragged breath anymore. After an eternity of it, I opened my eyes and met those of Alice, who was now frozen not an inch from my face.

"Bella, you have to come with me now" she whispered.

"Where…what?..."

"…I will take you to Charlie's…but I can't see anything yet", she sighed and closed her eyes before continuing, "I can't see anything yet because…well, everything is pretty chaotic right now the way he is thinking…it's like…_nothing_ right now. But, we have to go because I just don't know what is about to happen…I will stay with you until I do."

With that, I dropped my head- too ashamed to meet her gaze as she lifted me lightly and began to run. I closed my eyes against the blur of trees and in seconds, it seemed, she was lowering my feet to the porch. I entered numbly and passed Charlie on the way to the stairs, not even bothering to look up as he called my name in a worried shout. Then he turned to Alice.

"ALICE?! What the HELL is going on?? YOU TELL ME RIGHT NOW!! Her face hasn't looked like that since…"

I closed my door against the outside world as he trailed off into a horrified whisper. For someone who wanted to live forever just minutes ago, I honestly wished for death right now more than anything.

Not caring what was going on downstairs, I pulled out my cell phone and hit #3 for speed-dial. There was only one person who needed to know the plan stretching itself out curiously in my brain.

"Hey, Bells- what's up?" he asked, sounding nervous that I called…probably because just last month I had told him I was choosing Edward over him. Turns out it had been the hardest month of my life; having to acknowledge that I had a flaw that caused me not be able to live without _BOTH_ of them. The months without Edward had been…desolate… but, so had the month without Jacob.

"Jake…" I knew my voice sounded strained and scratchy. Maybe also breathless? The fact that I could not have known how much I needed him until now still baffled me, since it had only been a week or so that I had been struggling with the decision to finally speak up…and also admit it to myself.

I needed him… was this how he felt when he told me he would always love me no matter what? This, this.._Need_? To hear his voice, to look into his eyes, to feel his warmth again?

"…Jake, I…I just wanted to let you know that I'm gonna be gone for awhile…"

"What? What do you mean "you're leaving for awhile"?" he barked out, more confused now than before.

"I have to leave for awhile, and it's not because of what you think…I will still be human, but I just have to go- and I wanted to tell you before Charlie tells your dad, and then he tells you and the truth gets screwed out of fucking proportion." I whispered.

"Bella…are you ok? Did he hurt you, or has anyone come for you again?!?" I heard the growl reverberate through my ear in his voice.

"No… no one has come for me" _yet_, I thought to myself…"I hurt him Jacob, I hurt all of them and I just have to go away for awhile. I just…it's just…._SHIT_!...I love you, Jacob. I love you so much, you know?? …I just needed to tell you that"

I hung up before he could reply or ask me questions I wouldn't answer. Even knowing that I had gathered the courage to tell Edward, I still couldn't _EVER_ tell Jake now... it would be like a flower crushed before it even had a chance to bloom.

APOV

As I answered all of Charlie's question as best I could, "_No, Charlie- Edward didn't leave again…I think they just had an argument….neither one has told me what about… she will be fine, I promised her I would stay with her as long as she wanted_." all I could think about was what I had just heard her say on the phone to him_. _

She had to know that I could hear even her quietest of whispers. Maybe she just…_damn_! She didn't have ANYONE in Arizona now…why would she decide to go there instead of to Florida where Renee was? Or even to wait it out here? Finishing up with Charlie as quickly as I could, I flew up the stairs, knowing when I opened the door she would be half way through packing her backpack. She looked up at me with eyes full of self-loathing and indecision and fear- of me?

"Alice…you know I have to go." She whispered.

I nodded and said, "I don't know if he will come for you…but I will find you as soon as I know anything." as I pulled the spare key to my BMW out of my back pocket with my wallet.

Holding it out to her, "Jasper followed us here in my car, Bella… take it." I indicated both the key and the wallet in my hand. It held about $900 in cash and 3 or 4 assorted credit cards, each with no limit.

She met my eyes again and for once since I had known her- didn't argue with me on the issue of money. She held out her hand and I could see it tremble, I just wished I could see their future right now. "Use everything in it if you need to- there is no limit on any of the cards, and there won't ever be. My pin numbers are all zero's if you are afraid of cashiers asking for your I.D. You won't forget all zero's, will you, Bella?" I asked softly.

"N…No." she coughed uncomfortably. "I…"

I interrupted her quickly "Bella, I love you _more_ than any sister could love another and I promise I will find you as soon as I know anything. You have to look after yourself for the first time in a few years without any of us…even Jacob." She winced at his name as I continued, "be careful, Bella…we all need you, _I_ need you."

We hugged tightly for what might have seemed like forever, but I knew to be only a few moments. Long enough for her to shiver against my cool skin. "I love you too, Alice" she whispered as she turned and climbed out the window onto the tree branch, shimmying down the trunk until she could drop her backpack and jump the few feet to the grass. I moved to look out the window and saw Jasper look up at me and then back to her.

He stepped away from the drivers' side door of the car and trailed his fingertips across her cheek. Once before we had left her here alone…and he had been wracked with guilt over the one weak moment he'd had that had drove Edward to make the choice for us all to leave our new family member. She caught his hand as he went to drop it and kissed the back of it, holding onto him for a few seconds before letting go.

They stared at each other for another second- maybe so she could let him feel her indecision, maybe because he wanted so badly to give her a moment of peace before she left the aftermath of what we'd heard echoing wildly through the forest earlier. As she pulled away from the curb silently, not drawing the attention of the man in the living room in front of the television, Jasper looked up to me again questioningly.

So, I answered under my breath, but loud enough for his powerful ears to hear…

"She asked Edward to share her."

His gasp was answer enough for me to know his thoughts on _that_.

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	2. Everybodys' gotta learn sometime

_I do not own Twilight or any of is characters._

_Hope you guys are enjoying the story- sorry it's taking so long to update- but I am __SO__ much of a NOOB at this! I am really having a blast writing it, even though it'll be hard to turn around, huh? Exciting…._

**JPOV**

The dial tone buzzed in my ear, but really all I heard was-"_I love you, Jake…love you so much… just needed to tell you that_." Words I was overjoyed to have heard, just not overjoyed at the delivery.

It was nothing, she was just being _Bella. _She was just feeling a little dramatic about an argument with the blood-sucker, probably...no biggie. Except… "_I hurt him…I heart all of them…have to go away_" FUCK THAT. I was the one that had my heart broken and was moping away from prying eyes. Why the hell did I even worry about her when _SHE_ had been the one to choose…and now she is calling _me_? Causing _me_ to worry about _her_ when she was having a goddamn lover's spat with her Parasite? I slammed down the phone and rolled my eyes, turning to go out to the garage to lose myself in some grease and hard labor for awhile.

I had absolutely NO reason to give it another thought.

An hour later in the garage, I was no where near getting even 5 minutes of work done. I had actually spent five minutes mumbling under my breath about wanting to rip apart a vampire, and the remainder fifty-five minutes trying to decide whether to go to _her_ or to _them_ to find out the whole story. Turns out, I did actually have a reason for giving it another thought and the reason was that I still fucking loved her…always would.

Throwing the busted carburetor against the wall, I closed my eyes and…_SHIT! _Of course, I saw her face when I closed my eyes. And no matter what was going on in reality, in my mind, my Bella was in pain. Bella needed me to help put her back together again.

I had told her I was ok with her decision to choose him…but my wolf side had other ideas. _Get her while they're fighting and she's weak…get her and show her why she chose wrong…make her admit she belongs to you…_with that thought, an involuntary growl rumbled up from somewhere deep. It stretched out and turned into a chant in the back of my mind. _She's yours and she knows it…she called you…your mate needs you. _By the time the last thought entered my mind, I was already out the door. It was about damn time she realized what happened when you tempted an Alpha too far.

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**EPOV**

I couldn't begin to express the sinking, empty feeling that was running through my dead body right now.

There could not be another word in all of the cultures of all the world that could describe it any better than one: _REGRET. _

I regretted what I had done…or not done…to have caused her to feel she needed…this thing. I regretted for the millionth time leaving her last year so that any feelings for that _MUTT_ were even able to develop. Most of all, I regretted that my Bella had run from me, in fear, while I had stood frozen and unable to process…what she was asking.

Se hadn't really asked - but I knew all too well what was in her mind this time. It had been easy to read all over her terrified face as she struggled to look at me. She had looked at me in fear, and in that fear had RUN from me.

_She was right to run_…a voice in my head whispered softly. Probably for the first time in her life, she had run without falling.

Many times in the past I had told her to fear me, to run from me- but she had been too brave. It seemed even Bella had a breaking point on courage.

She had been looking for…what? For me to leave and let them be together? _NO_…said the voice a little louder…_you know what she was asking._ She had said _both…_

She wanted to…to…for me to…_SHARE? _At that admission, I felt a heat begin to spread in me so fast that I was sure I was actually dying all over again. It raged into an inferno and began to burn behind my eyes…and then I opened my mouth and let out my answer the only way I knew would reach her ears so far away…

**BPOV**

It had taken 31 hours of driving straight through to get into Phoenix. I had only stopped for gas and water, since I couldn't seem to hold much down. Zombies had nothing on me…I had heard once on a t.v. special that a person couldn't stay awake for more than 30 hours without the threat of unconsciousness or possibly even death. Well, here I was- still awake and breathing, unfortunately. I closed my eyes for a second to try to forget the sound of him, but it still echoed in my ears too loudly.

I smirked as I realized I didn't know anyone in this town anymore, maybe I had just chosen it because it seemed familiar…and warm. I needed the hot and unrelenting Arizona sun to take the chill off. If it even could. I had rolled the windows down hours ago as I made my way through hotter and hotter areas. As it beat down onto the arm I had resting on the door, I thought briefly that it was _almost _as warm as when Jacob touched me…but those thoughts would get me nowhere.

Briefly I wondered what my future could possibly hold now without either of them. I honestly don't even care, now. There were a total of 29 missed calls from Charlie, Renee, and even Billy Black and Esme- but not any from the two people I needed most in my life.

Mind wandering, I went over maybe living out of a hotel for awhile. Maybe I could get some crap job that didn't need a lot of paperwork and that paid cash so that I could survive when I ran out of support from Alice. Which I would, when she found out what I had done. If she didn't already know, that is.

Not wanting to do anything other than lose sight of the endless future ahead of me without them, I pulled into the first hotel I came to that looked like it would be cheap enough to live out of for awhile. Paying cash and signing a different name, I made my way to my door- not even breaking the darkness with lamplight as I locked the door, dropped my bag and keys, and fell onto the bed. I was unable to do anything than slip into complete darkness.


	3. Flipping the Switch

_**I don't own twilight… **_

_**hope everyone is enjoying reading as much as I am enjoying writing. Still kinda new at it so sorry the updates are taking so long.**_

**JPOV**

_Fucking Leeches. _After going to Charlie's house and getting nothing but a comatose…"_she left…they don't know where she went…she's not answering any calls from me or her mother…"- _I had decided to camp my ass outside the Vamp fortress.

He had shown me the note "Bella" left, but it didn't have one iota of her smell on it. It was all the Pixie. She had written it for Charlie to have something as she let Bella go off alone to only- God and Vampires- know where. It had rambled on about _needing a change in scenery_ and _getting too old for juvenile relationships holding her back_…well at least his little sis had a sense of humor, I thought to myself. Maybe whatever they had fought about had been something Alice would have sided with Bella on.

So, here I was for the fifth day in a row running the perimeter of the Cullen place. In plain view of them, of course. I wouldn't want them to think I was actually getting tired of waiting for some fucking answers. For some reason, I knew I shouldn't just lope up to the door like I had in the past.

The first day they had acted like they couldn't see me, the second and third day they had just stared at me, and yesterday they had sent the BITCH out to warn me off. Today they were acting kind of antsy inside, pacing by the windows whenever I came into sight. For a family of people that would live for eternity- they sure seemed to be caving pretty quickly at a little pressure. If I was honest, I would say it was probably for Bellas' sake and not because they were intimidated by me. While they were _together_, at least.

I actually would have left by now and tried to find another way to the information I needed, but one thing kept me close…I hadn't seen Edward. Was he with her? Was he inside with the rest of them? Even though he had won her heart instead of me- we still had fought together to keep her safe from Victoria and her "army". I think if he was in there and saw me he would have come out by now, wouldn't he? Shaking my head, I lowered my nose to the ground and kept myself at an even pace.

About half a mile around the property line, I smelled Alice. Impatient and not even giving a shit about their _sensibilities_, I phased back and came out of the tree line naked. Breathing fast from the run, I strode right up to her, ignoring the growls rolling off her man standing close by the house. Guess she'd asked him to let her go this one alone. Not that I had a lot of relationship experience to go by…but he had to have known she'd take a peek. This family had unfortunately seen me naked a lot more than Bella had. Cullens: like 10- Bella: 0.

The way Alice was smiling at me, maybe I would've had a chance against _Eddie_ if I'd let Bella see me come out of the woods naked a few times. Tossing that thought aside, I stopped in front of her as she perused me at her own pace.

"Alice", I growled softly

"Jacob, I have to say…maybe you shouldn't have let Bella see you like this so much," she muttered cryptically.

_What?_ That was weird we were _almost_ thinking on the same lines… "You've got it backwards, Shorty- maybe I SHOULD have let her see me like this once or twice. Then you'd have to come pick her up for shopping at _MY_ crib."

"You're telling me she's never seen you in all your…sweaty-after-running-all-morning glory?"

I shook my head at her condescendingly, "Just because you all think I'm a _DOG_ doesn't mean I always act like one."

She lifted a brow at me…

"I said not _ALWAYS", _I muttered as I remembered sprawling out on their couch dirty from the forest too many times to count in the past turbulent months as we'd worked together to keep the town and rez safe, to keep Bella safe.

"Whatever, look- I got a weird call from her and she's not at home…Charlie is freaking the fuck out…and I don't know what's going on but I know I smelled you _all _over it, Tiny." _There_, see her try to get out of that one with just an eyebrow.

"I have to say something and you're not going to like it…at first" she stated plainly.

"As long as Bella is _safe_, then who gives a shit if I like it or not?" Did being able to see the future also cause short-term memory loss? "There's not anything I could like _LESS_ than being told she's picked your Parasite of a brother over me."

Up went the brow again, "Well, actually, you might like it a _little_ less than that- but probably still not as much as Edward dislikes it."

I swear to God, if she didn't spit it out soon…

"It's not really my place to tell, but Bella has gone away and with Edward acting the way he is now…well, I can't see their future. Except, when I figure in telling you the…stuff going on, it gets a little bit more in focus…but still not…for sure," she finished haltingly.

Now I raised _my_ brow.

"Um… yeah. Well, ok then, here goes!" she looked away toward the house for a moment as if to make sure Jasper was still there before continuing, "Bella has been keeping something from Edward…from _both_ of you, actually. They had a…not exactly a fight- but there was a confrontation. Edward has…sort of checked out of it right now and Bella has, well…Bella has kind of ran off to Arizona."

At that, I growled and took a step back as if to bolt, we had wasted almost a week when she was in Arizona alone?!... but she kept going…

"Jacob…" she trailed off, looking pretty uncomfortable.

"JUST _TELL_ ME, ALICE- SHE'S OUT THERE-!"

At that, she interrupted me, "_OK_! Bella admitted to Edward that she loved you, too! And I know you already know that- everyone does, but she told him she wanted to BE with you…but not just with you alone!"

"What?" That was the dumbest set of words I had heard her string together, yet. No shit, I knew she loved me…just not as much as I loved her or she loved Edward.

"Jake, you _moron- _she wants to become a vampire and she knows you will never age as long as you are _AROUND_ vampires, and she since she loves both you _and_ Edward…she wants the three of you to spend eternity together in a Vampire/ Vampire/ Wolf sandwich!!!" she shouted.

I had forgotten I was naked until I broke out in a cold sweat that made my temperature plunge a few degrees. "_What_ did you say!?" She could _NOT _have said that, Bella knew I would never…HE would never…

"The two of you are in love with someone that is more perfect than you would find ten lifetimes over and you think it is impossible for her to love you equally?? Or to God-forbid, actually want a life with both of you?? YOU _BOTH_ drove her practically _insane_ trying to force her to make a decision…putting all of the weight on her shoulders to the point where she almost snapped… and here you both stand judging _HER_?? For following her heart?! No wonder she left!" She seemed almost out of breath when she finished her tirade.

Then I heard some of her last words… "_here you both stand_…" and I couldn't believe I had been so focused on her that I hadn't even smelled his approach. I looked to see that Edward stood behind her to her left about 15 feet as if he'd been at the edge of the woods, as well. He looked furious, but also about to topple over.

He stared at me as if deciding whether or not to attack as he tried to read my mind, which I knew had to be a jumbled mess after that Fuck-all of a bombshell. _No pun intended._

Edward crouched towards me and I knew he must have heard that. Well, FUCK YOU, you stupid leech! With that, I let my mind pour over all the possibilities that I knew I shouldn't want, but I couldn't help but crave if it gave me even _one night_ with her-now that I knew the truth…

_**I imagined Bella undressing herself and coming to me in my wolf form in the forest, telling me that she loved me and she needed me**_**- **I ignored his shout of fury**… **_**I imagined phasing back naked and going right up to her and taking her mouth like I had dreamed so many thousands of times- rough but patient to show her that she would enjoy submitting to me in the most basic of all ways…**_the shout turned into a low growl maybe as he remembered kissing her that way himself_**…I then imagined stroking, whispering, and caressing her until she moaned…but then my warm hands brushed something cool and hard…**_his growls cut short abruptly at that…_**I broke our kiss to see Bellas' head thrown back onto Edwards' shoulder as he pulled her back into him, nipping softly below her ear as she writhed…as I ran my gaze over her pale body in the moonlight, his hands wrapped around her waist- slowly pulling her in tighter so that she could feel him, as hard as stone behind her…she whispered my name and I saw desire pooling in her eyes, turning them into liquid…as I stepped forward to press her tightly in between Edward and myself, I was drowning in the feel of her stretching and rolling her hips onto us as if she couldn't get close enough. I ran my hot hands around her breasts in circles, until I heard her gasp against my lips…as I slid my tongue across her mouth I tugged gently at her nipples…she broke away from my kiss to moan my name softly…as I continued to tease her, I felt his cool hand trace against my stomach as he slid his hand down her ribs…past her soft stomach…and between her thighs. Letting out a soft moan, Bella jerked forward into me and grabbed onto my arms to hold on as Edward slid a finger into her and I lowered my lips to close around a nipple tightly…**_

Pulling out of my daydream before I went too far, I realized I might have already done so. Alice was looking at me wide-eyed, and Edward…well, Edward was still looking furious- the only difference was now he looked furious and turned on…

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	4. Duh

_I__** don't own Twilight or any of the characters…**_

_**And I am more sorry than you know for the length of time between the last updates, but I have been busy at home and work with …well, home stuff and work stuff! Thank you so much for being patient, guys. Will update 3 times this week to make it up to you!**_

**EPOV**

I waited as long as I could possibly stand before lunging out of the forest toward Jacob and Alice. If I hadn't been in such a numb daze, I would have moved fast enough to stop her from letting the truth spill from her lips…it was an agonizing hell to have Jacob hear my humiliating truth…that I wasn't _enough_ for her.

Even though he had been my enemy in the past, I had fought next to Jacob and we had formed a bond of sorts…a bond born of our love of Bella and our acceptance that one of us would be the victor to claim her heart. At first it had been hard to accept, but then, we never could stay angry with her. Especially since she was so innocent and honest in her feelings of confusion- and after all, we were creatures that she might never have even come across had circumstances been different.

It had been the worst five days of my long existence, wandering an uncounted amount of miles in my search to outrun the truth…to decide what to do. She would probably be surprised to know that killing her had NOT been one of my choices, though anger still flowed through my entire being at remembering her request. I still didn't know what to do…I know that I had promised never to leave her again, and even in my anger I felt her loss like a physical blow. The memory of her empty eyes haunted me constantly, as did the thoughts I could hear in family's' minds

Rosalie was in disbelief that Bella could possibly believe that she loved us both as much as she claimed. Alice, of course, as her best friend was angry at the two of us for trying to force her to choose between us. Emmett and Jasper both tried to hide their thoughts from me, but ultimately let me know just how lucky they thought I was to have Bella willing to be so...agreeable. I often ignored their thoughts. Carlisle and Esme worried about me, and about possibly losing Bella as a member of the family; but worried more about Bella and her state of mind to have carried this silently for so long. Esme had been willing to share her thoughts more than anyone on the subject, letting me see just how painful this might have been for Bella all along to love two myth-like creatures while knowing her own mortality would keep her from both of us, eventually.

Stalking out of the woods, I was too slow to stop Alice's' tirade. As I stood there mentally exhausted beyond all measure- his thoughts came to me, causing me to snarl in possessiveness as he imagined Bella welcoming him with open arms. I watched his daydream as if it were a movie on a big screen, the scene unfolding out in his mind so clearly that I could almost hear her breathlessly sigh his name. This was more than he usually showed me when he was in a teasing or hurtful mood. This wasn't just him imagining an adolescent make-out session. Shaking uncontrollably with fury unlike any I had ever known, I took a step in his direction before his thoughts shifted.

Suddenly, in his dream, Bella was resting her head on MY shoulder as he teased her with his dark hands and hot mouth. She was moaning MY name as I caressed her and pulled her body to mine forcefully. In that instant, I could hear the purring sounds pour from her throat as she strained to get impossibly closer to both of us…so we surrounded her with hot breaths, cold caresses, and firm touches. In his mind, this drove her into a frenzy as she tugged him against her and pulled me tightly in…

My train of thoughts broke off as did his. As our eyes met, I felt torn on whether or not to gouge out his eyes for such thoughts, or replay them in my mind again and again for the pleasure of it. _Wait...what?_

In that instant, as Alice stood unmoving and muttering our names softly through her faraway gaze, we knew…everything had to change…

**JPOV**

Was this really happening? He had looked for a moment as if he'd had_ just_ about enough of my fantasy so that I had actually braced myself for his launch toward me. Then, he'd just looked…sort of out of it. Why wasn't he killing me? If I were the mind reader he would _totally_ be dead for thinking the stuff I was thinking. _SHIT! He CANNOT think that shit is as hot as I do…not prim and proper "Eddie". _

"And why would you think I wouldn't respond to that?" he broke into my mental rant, "I might be dead- but I am still a man, and Bella is…"

_You don't have to tell me how desirable she is, I already know!_

"Do you desire her enough to…share? Can you even imagine what that felt like?? To know"-

_YES!_ I cut him off mid-sentence mentally, _it was only a month ago that she told me she didn't want me- remember? _

"Well, I guess she lied then, didn't she? She wants you after all!" he snarled.

As we stared at each other in understanding, Alice began a rant of her own- "The two of you are unbelievable! She NEVER LIED! She told you both time and time again that she loved you both and always would…can you even take a single second to imagine what it felt like for her to want something and know that neither one of you would _accept _it- or her for wanting it??" Jasper traced quickly to her side, but she seemed unphased by his attempts to calm her.

She pointed a delicate finger right at my face- "she didn't freak out at the fact that you were a shape-shifter, you big Mutt! You had temperature and mood changes worse than a menopausal woman and all she ever did was try to help you and accept everything that you were becoming so that she could keep you in her life. You tried so many times to push her away in jealousy and anger, and all she wished for was your voice…your smile. How many times did you tell her how disgusting she was for loving him, for kissing him, for _smelling_ like him, for God's sake? Do you know how it hurt her to feel your warmth and your _unconditional_ love only for you to jerk it away?…and _you"…_she turned her perfect pixie sneer to her brother as I tried to deal with processing the horrible truth of her words- "Edward, you pined away for a hundred years for someone to complete you, and when you finally found her she _accepted_ you for who and what you were, you made her feel less than enough at every turn" she was nearly spitting the words out now.

"She didn't get scared of you…of us, or what we are or what we have to do…but you constantly made her feel like an imperfect choice because she was actually _brave_ and _alive, _and all the other things you had found wanting in others. Do you think I didn't know? Do you think I couldn't read the future and know that my own best friend would be going home every night to dream and wonder about what was _SO_ wrong with her that you wouldn't want to spend eternity with her?"

I jerked my eyes to him as he growled, "There is NOTHING wrong with her! She is perfect in every"-

Alice cut him off by stalking right up to him, face to face. "Well did you ever tell her that? Did you ever tell her that you would spend the rest of time with her WITHOUT making your pompous stipulations?? _You need to finish high school, Bella… you need to go to college, Bella… you need to be far away from us so you aren't in danger, Bella_"…she sneered at him making BOTH of us wince with the force of her anger.

"…Do you want to know what that sounded like to the girl that always thought you were better than her, Edward? Do you want to know what that sounded like to the girl who would give her _life _for you, Edward? It sounded a lot like what she told herself in her head every day: that she wasn't good enough as she was, and not even good enough for you to want to change her into what you needed so she _could _be perfect for you. It sounded a lot like you pushing back the date on the chance at a wonderful life when her time was running out. It sounded like you were willing to tolerate her love, but only because you were so lonely after all these years that anything would do, even a girl stupid enough to dream that she could be loved half as much in return!"

At that, he cried out, covering his ears- but she only scoffed at him, "You can't silence my thoughts, Edward! Haven't you always wished to be able to read her mind? Haven't you wanted to know what was behind her beautiful eyes? It was self-doubt…that's what was there!"

I turned on her, not able to watch his torment any longer- though seconds before I would have welcomed it, "SHUT THE FUCK _UP_, Alice!" I bellowed at her- taking a step toward him, but not knowing how to comfort…how to help…

Looking back at Edward I noticed he looked as bad as I felt, maybe if he could cry he would be doing it right now…and Alice was right, how could she still love me after all the times I'd called her a "leech-lover" and made her feel like there was a short circuit in her brain for wanting him? So had Edward, always questioning Bella about how she felt safe with me. We were both the oddities in this world…my father used to tell me that you hurt the ones you love the most…

He looked up at me with burning eyes, "Your father was right, Jacob…with one exception"…

"Bella", I whispered brokenly.

He jerked his eyes away from mine, as if he couldn't stand to see the perfection of Bella in my mind any longer, much less his own. "She _is _perfect, exactly how she is. She never hurt the ones she loved…she only hurt _for _us and _because_ of us."

Goosebumps covered my naked skin again as I thought of all the times I had…we had…made her feel inadequate. My skin began to burn even hotter, twitching with the effort to not phase. I had only ever thought of myself. I had never thought that there could be an option for eternity with her. And Bella knew, just as we all did, that I could live forever as long as I remained near vampires. Could I really love her if I had been this…this hurtful? My body shook and I might have fallen, but cold hands held me up… "Edward?"

"We have been…beyond selfish," he murmured. "She loved us so much and we…"

I broke his gaze to turn my eyes to his sister, "Alice, is it too late?" He looked at her now, as well- holding non-existent breath.

"I can't see yet…but I can see you've decided to try to…to… talk to her," she amended her choice of words, I could tell. "She is so ashamed, and…alone," she whispered gently.

My face burned with the knowledge that she felt ashamed for something she'd held away from the two of us, she had known us so well. She had been right in her lack of faith in us.

His hands dropped from my biceps to run through his hair for the third time in as many minutes. Oddly enough, I felt the loss of his touch- it was the only comfort I'd had in…awhile. He gave me a smirk that held half the spark of happier times. "I know what you mean"…he trailed off collecting his thoughts, "Bella is right, you feel warm like the Sun."

I realized that very second that he was as much a part of me now as she was; why had I been fighting it for so long? Would it really be so difficult? So horrible? At least he was familiar… and I would do _ANYTHING_ to make her happy again.

Alice forgotten, he laughed softly. "Well, at least we're agreed on something. _Anything_…" He vowed quietly.


	5. Dead on Arrival

_I__** don't own Twilight or any of the characters…**_

**BPOV**

I kept telling myself that it had only been a week…it was a mantra I repeated to myself a thousand times a day, but it _felt_ different. It felt like it had been an immeasurable amount of time since I had come here to both the familiarity and unfamiliarity of Arizona. It was the same as it had been before; I was just looking at it with different eyes. The sun was hot enough to burn away all of my emotions, but it didn't. It wasn't a _warm_ sun anymore…it was hot, and stark, and unfeeling. All it did was take the emptiness inside of me and melt it tighter against my soul. It gave me no relief, it didn't do what I had thought it would do, which was warm the cold that was seeping through me. Fate had decided to make it just hot enough to seal it inside where it could fester. _It's only been a week… it's only been a week…surely I can make it week at a time…_

The first two days I had spent entirely in bed, entirely catatonic. The third day I walked to the dumpsters in the rear of the cheap hotel and set her credit cards on fire…or _melted_ them since they hadn't burnt so well- but I had melted them until they were a tiny muddled chunk of stuff that I couldn't use to be reliant on her anymore. I loved her, but I had hurt them all so much with my dishonesty and my…_request _that I couldn't assume she would stay compassionate for very long. Maybe she would see the lack of activity on the accounts and know that I didn't want to be a burden. That had to mean something to her, hopefully. I had used the cash to pay for the gas to get down here, so I only had about $600 left. Setting aside half for emergency use only; I put the rest in an envelope and slid it under the door of the woman in the motel room next to mine. I had seen her a few times and she always looked tired and scared. She was probably running from something as well- she had to need it worse than me.

Giving half of my money away forced me to check out of the hotel, load into the BMW and find an even _cheaper_ hotel about 5 miles away. The BMW at least I would keep… I needed it and it wasn't like I could just abandon it on the side of the road, as well. That would only be another disrespectful act heaped on top of the others…_lying to my loved ones…keeping secret desires hidden…hurting the men I loved by being selfish and admitting my thoughts_…the list could go on and on.

The fourth day I had walked a few blocks down to the diner on the corner of the square and asked about a position. A waitress introduced me to the owner "Bud Kowolski", and from what I could tell since then, everyone called him by both his first and last name at all times. He'd looked me up and down and offered me a waitress spot, but I'd blanched at the idea of having to carry steaming hot coffee and food to diners without hurting either myself or them. Just as I was turning to go and mumbling "thanks- but I don't want to maim anyone", he'd spoke up and told me he could use a dishwasher who wouldn't mind getting paid under the table. Just what I'd been hoping for.

"I don't really have anything else open on the books right now, but I could pay you cash for washing up dishes and junk in the back maybe 4 or 5 days a week. Had a stepson that used to do it afterschool, but his mom ran out on me and took him with her." He scratched the back of his neck as if thinking it over, "You look a little…well, you don't look like you'd be able to lift five goddamn pounds…but you need the work, huh?"

"Yes," was all I'd gotten out of my rusty throat at the moment.

"Alright then"…he'd looked at me oddly for a moment till I understood.

"Ella," I'd murmured. I didn't really feel like an _Isabella_, _Bella_, or _Bells_ anymore. Only people I didn't deserve to be around called me those names.

"Alright then, Ella…you think you can do like a 5 a.m. shift everyday? You get one free meal for your hour lunch…or a 30 minute lunch and two breaks like the other girls…or whatever. As long as it's just an hour a day total and you're not moping around not working."

"Yes," again with the one word answer.

"Can you work till 2 p.m. when the other guy comes in?"

I just nodded that time.

"Well… since you aren't up front much with the customers, you don't need a uniform- just some rubber aprons hanging on a hook in the back for dishwashers. Wear some tennis shoes so you don't fall back there."

"K," I mumbled.

He took me on a tour of the little place, introduced me to a couple of the waitresses moving through the front and back of the kitchen regularly as he talked.

I'd thanked him and left that afternoon, and it was now halfway through my first work week. It had been good to do this- take a job. I'd heard people talk about knowing someone that'd had a mental breakdown, but I'd never really understood what that meant until I'd set for hour upon hour alone in a dark hotel room surrounded by my own thoughts. I needed noise, commotion, or a break of some sort so that_ I_ wouldn't break.

So, here I was in an old t-shirt, jeans, sneakers, and apron on my last break of the day. Today I was spending my break in my favorite spot at work: sitting on an overturned bucket in the open doorway of the kitchen as the breeze blew up and over my stiff face. Arizona was also different now in that I no longer felt at home here. But, the breeze that came through in the afternoons brought with it the smell of the mountains past the desert- and inevitably made me think of where I would rather be right now. _Stop it…don't even go there_…. I stood up and made my way back inside, leaving the door open for the breeze since it got pretty hot over by the industrial sized sink I stood over all day. I had lost just a few pounds from not eating much except my lunch at the diner, but it wasn't really noticeable since the long hours of work were making me feel a little more toned. I pulled my gloves back on and started a new sinkful of scalding hot water and soap for the mountain of plates and cups growing from the late lunch crowd.

Soon, it would be 2, and the guy that did the afternoon and night shift would be in to relieve me. Simon was an older guy that loved to talk about anything, and sometimes I'd stick around for a half hour or so just to hear him talk. It never bothered him that I didn't interrupt or really start any conversations- but it was nice to hear him chatter away like a grumpy old squirrel before I walked "home" to my silent room. After getting back, the only thing that awaited me was a fitful sleep that went from the afternoon to 4 a.m., when it would be time to get up and ready for work again. This routine was only interrupted by my occasional trips to the laundry room of the motel.

It was a good to have a routine, I thought to myself while scrubbing. The noise of the diner and the cooks and waitresses scrambling around me felt what "normal" might feel like if I had never moved to Forks. Maybe I would have been working in a place like this and going to some community college part-time, and living in a tiny apartment. It would have been only genEd classes for me so far if that reality were true. I knew myself well enough to know that I probably wouldn't have picked out a major by now, never having a true purpose or drive in life till moving to Forks and meeting _them._ Even then, my only purpose had been to stay as close to…_them_ as possible for as long as they'd let me. …_guess we know how long that had turned out to be… _I thought ruefully.

Another voice whispered…_well, what did you expect? They didn't know you were going to want them to start a miniature sex-commune…_

…_well neither did I at first! _I argued back mentally_. It took almost losing both of them to realize that they were equally important…_

_Huh… well, did you even wonder what would happen when you told a dominant Vampire that you loved him just the SAME as an Alpha Wolf? ...and don't forget you haven't even told THAT one about any of it…he would "flip out" for sure…_

I shrugged in my mind…_I never really thought I would say anything at all_…_and_…_maybe I was more afraid of telling him than Edward_…

_Really?_ The voice in my head purred. _And why is that?_

The dishes stopped rattling around in the sink as I stilled…_if Edward had decided to…kill me…it would have maybe been swift and cold as he_…_reacted_. _It might have been over with mercifully fast_. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. _But, Jacob might have_ …_might have_… I snapped back to attention and began immediately re-rinsing what I had washed. But, the image in my head wouldn't go away. In it, I was lying in the meadow and having just told Jacob moments before that I wanted a life of love and happiness with…both of them... he was standing above me in wolf form, trembling in fury…with blood on his beautiful fur. Had he been hurt?! No… his eyes didn't look like he was in pain. It was then that I realized the blood was mine. The world began to spin crazily around me as I fought to stay conscious, but the hatred in his eyes made me look away in shame. We seemed frozen there for an eternity…not looking at one another. Death was slow, and not at all as calming as I thought it would be. Minutes passed and I cursed myself for the damaged thing I was to have asked this of them. They might be the story-book like creatures, but I was the freak…_I was the freak_…his warm breath on my face and low growls were the last thing I felt and heard…before the pounding in my ears gave way to blackness. ..

Shaking violently back to awareness, I turned to stack all the dishes, cups, and cookware in the racks that held them around the kitchen as Simon walked into my line of vision, already grumbling about something. I hung up my apron and wiped my shriveled fingertips on my jeans before swiping my hair out of my eyes. As I turned to say "hello", the door to the dining room swung back and forth on its' saloon-type hinges for a slow second, as if the world itself was shuddering to a halt. The prickling at the base of my neck turned into a cold shiver, I looked up and out into the front of the restaurant before it had time to swing back closed…and saw two heads entering the doorway. One was a tall sleek black and the other was a disheveled and exquisite russet color poking out from a hoodie. It was happening…but all the sudden I didn't _want_ the guilt-free peace of death. Not from them…_please_ not from them…

Before it could swing back a second time, I was already out the open back door, knocking the bucket out of the way in my rush. I ran as fast as I could, but I didn't have the advantage of super-speed as they did. Breathing heavy, I could see the motel parking lot about 50 yards away. The BMW was parked outside the doorway to my room around the back corner and as I ripped the keys out of my pocket, I didn't exactly know what I was going to do once I got there…

I heard Jacob shout my name hoarsely, but it sounded like it was still way back across the street toward the Diner entrance. With a sidewalk full of people, they couldn't exactly risk moving at warp speed. Hands shaking, I shoved the key in the passenger door, which was closest, and ripped it open. Jumping in, I hit the lock button and waited. Now that I was here I realized the rear of the motel parking lot was empty except for me…_perfect for what was about to happen_… _no witnesses_.

_No one would know except them, and they were all I had_…_was it wrong to love the ones that were about to end your existence_?? Letting the scalding tears run down my face, I gripped Alice's key chain tighter and took a deep breath. I closed my eyes and told myself I could still smell her here…here in this luxury tomb of a BMW as if she were with me. It was almost time and I was so alone… shadows fell across the windows to my left and right as I was surrounded and blackness began to close in over my eyes, taking me under…_thank God_…_. maybe they would be so quick I wouldn't even wake up_…


End file.
